My Mother Left Me the Sun(edit 1)

[Lizzie]

Hi, Bryn. I'm going to talk about this one sentence by sentence. I'm going to do this because the sentence structure is tortured in several places and it's the biggest barrier to my enjoyment of the poem. 

In these waning days of summer, I casually lay in the shade of live oak; through leaves fractured sun’s glitter on whose face I draw still a mother’s smile, your smile; always the sun you chased as Icarus wanting absolution from consideration of who else might fall. In my experience, mixing up word order just to make the reader pause and surprise them doesn't work. It saps energy from the poem and prevents the reader from being fully immersed in the poem. To call attention to specific word choices, simply place them at the end of line breaks and you can gently highlight words and encourage desired pauses. The prepositional phrase "on whose face" is particularly awkward. There are less convoluted ways of expressing yourself -- I encourage you to revisit your word choices and try to express yourself in the most cogent way possible. Your imagery is enough to carry the poem forward and provide interest, you don't need to risk confusion to make the piece catch people's attention. Your previous works that I've read had a simple beauty to them -- I recommend not fixing something that wasn't broken in the first place.  

What does a mother owe her children? -- An interesting question, but you need to have a compelling answer, and the next sentence doesn't offer a cogent reply, in my opinion. 
 
The same, I guess, as due of them when they savage into the world having hearts long traded. Again, I am not clear about what you're trying to say because the narrator is speaking in such an unnatural way. 

Yours was an aurora of autumn prismed from green to yellow to orange, then the sun’s red fire. I also don't know the rules for referencing other writers. However, in general, be careful when quoting from good authors, as you run into the danger of being outwritten in your own piece. Especially since you're not letting your own brilliance shine through, it feels here like relying on another to carry the piece along. Your writing needs to match the quality of the quotation. It's a high bar, which is why I rarely do it. 

Death is the mother of Beauty.  I take from this that the beauty of the mother was only realized after her passing. 

I hear with a breeze the song of the winter wren- undulating, high and long but that is no more than the echo of an earlier spring. "With a breeze" could conceivably refer to the narrator's hearing or with the nature of the song, so that's unclear. As to the wren, I'm assuming that you mean to have an em dash there (---), however it could be read as a compound adjective/noun that Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes were so fond of (such as in his poem "The Sluttiest Sheep in England" where he used "Their Ancient Briton draggle-tassle sheepskins, or pose, in the rain-smoke, like warriors --" I'm assuming that you didn't mean "wren-undulating," but it could be read that way. 
 
I must be content living in memory, evening’s clouds having gathered; their laughter galloping horizon to horizon. Try to examine any verbs which are not particularly dynamic such as "having" -- perhaps "I content myself with memory, as evening's clouds assemble," etc. Try to focus on movement and action. The laughter galloping is a great example. More verbs like this through the rest of the poem 

In summary, you're usually a fluid writer.  I've read your other work, and it slays all day. I think you're getting in your own way in this one. 

If you choose to revise, I'll give more thoughts along the way.

I'll be happy to reply to any questions after a good night's sleep. 

Lizzie