09-22-2023, 06:40 PM
I think you can shorten those lines which have five rather than four stresses. Something like
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us faces
unrecognized in lighter spaces,
their outlines likely mere [or some other monosyllabic modifier] illusion—
our brains configure hidden faces,
a something ["primal" just seems redundant, with "evolution", but I don't know what exactly to suggest, other than it should also be trochaic] gift from evolution.
The features can be mere [or "could just be"] illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
Also I don't care for either title. The new title is kinda neat, with the double meaning of "extraterrestrial" and "markedly different", but I'm not sure such a double meaning is really necessary....really, I'm not sure if any title is necessary, because this reads like one of those poems folks would anthologize where people don't really use the title, those who've read prefer to refer to it by what it's about, and those who haven't read it will be made to read it, one way or another. Really lovely work.
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us faces
unrecognized in lighter spaces,
their outlines likely mere [or some other monosyllabic modifier] illusion—
our brains configure hidden faces,
a something ["primal" just seems redundant, with "evolution", but I don't know what exactly to suggest, other than it should also be trochaic] gift from evolution.
The features can be mere [or "could just be"] illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
Also I don't care for either title. The new title is kinda neat, with the double meaning of "extraterrestrial" and "markedly different", but I'm not sure such a double meaning is really necessary....really, I'm not sure if any title is necessary, because this reads like one of those poems folks would anthologize where people don't really use the title, those who've read prefer to refer to it by what it's about, and those who haven't read it will be made to read it, one way or another. Really lovely work.