09-11-2023, 08:36 AM
After reading the other comments I wonder about a few different band aids to any generational confusion. You could arrange the strophes so that each is unique to its character, though it might be tricky keeping your momentum. I wonder if naming everyone (at least per introduction) may help. For instance, using a system like...
Grandpa drove north in early summer,
never calling ahead.
He'd surprise us with late evening arrival,
expecting dinner.
Mom would make him another—
that's how she was raised.
His dad, Thomas Jesse III (and so on)
left him without any warning
it's a bit of a cheat but might give clarity and at the same time tie in with your title.
Paul
Grandpa drove north in early summer,
never calling ahead.
He'd surprise us with late evening arrival,
expecting dinner.
Mom would make him another—
that's how she was raised.
His dad, Thomas Jesse III (and so on)
left him without any warning
it's a bit of a cheat but might give clarity and at the same time tie in with your title.
(09-09-2023, 01:07 PM)Lizzie Wrote: The Third & Fourth GenerationNot reading anything whiney. Hope some of this helps,
~Numbers 14:18
Grandpa drove north in early summer, "never" implies summers should be plural
never calling ahead.
He'd surprise us with late evening arrival,
expecting dinner.
Mom would make him another— "another" doesn't work. He hasn't eaten yet
that's how she was raised.
His dad left him without any warning
when he was seven.
His grandmother fed him without complaint—
that's how she was raised.
His grandfather's closest friend was opium. and secret lover
They bonded during the civil war
over rifle fire and a shattered leg
that never fully healed.
They swapped war stories in silence
of the departed who wouldn't die.
It vanished in 1906, kinda would prefer "she" to "it" here, to enforce the personification
pulled from the drug store's shelves.
He wept to his wife too many times, I think you could tighten these 3 lines (it's the prosey you mentioned)
and she told him, "Just go ahead
and do it already."
Grandpa found him the next morning
hanging by his neck from a cross-beam in the barn.
Grandpa would start wearing sweaters
the last week of August.
My brother and I would wake unaware
to a crisp, windy morning—
mom's face left behind to tell us
that he drove south during the night.
That's how he raised us, with an unsparing rod: unspared? not sure
grandfathers vanish, so don't ever care.
Paul