09-10-2023, 12:12 AM
Hi Lizzie.
Just to be clear
Grandpa drives north/south (is he Mom's father?)
Greatgrandpa left when Grandad was seven
Greatgreatgrandpa addicted to opium/kills himself
Greatgreatgrandma unsympathetic (is she the same one in S2 who raises Grandpa?)
Grandpa drove north in early summer,
never calling ahead. ............... should this be 'called' (given 'drove'?)
He'd surprise us with late evening arrival,
expecting dinner. .................... it's a bit clunky ('surprise' is a bit 'tell' isn't it?) and doesn't 'dinner/make him another' give 'late evening arrival?
Mom would make him another—
that's how she was raised. ....... 'another' seems a bit ambiguous. As if he'd already eaten and wanted another, a second, meal. Perhaps something like
Mom would head to the kitchen,
that's how she was raised.
His dad left him without any warning
when he was seven. ............. I agree with TqB about the brevity of this. The 'him' in the next line is also ambiguous (but what I struggled with is 'grandmother'. Where's the mother? Should 'fed him' be 'took him in'?)
His grandmother fed him without complaint—
that's how she was raised.
His grandfather's closest friend was opium.
They bonded during the civil war
over rifle fire and a shattered leg
that never fully healed.......... I wasn't convinced by 'bonded' but I like the set-up. 'War stories' seemed a bit of a cliche, and then the bald statement of the final two lines just begged the question, what did he do? Black market?
Alternatively, could you cut these four lines and replace them with S4?
They swapped war stories in silence
of the departed who wouldn't die.
It vanished in 1906,
pulled from the drug store's shelves.
He wept to his wife too many times,
and she told him, "Just go ahead
and do it already."
Grandpa found him the next morning
hanging by his neck from a cross-beam in the barn. ........... It's an interesting/horrible scene, but, like S2, seems far too short (nothing here explains Grandpa's sudden appearances/departures, to me.) Also, I was expecting the verse to end with a 'that's how she was raised.'
Grandpa would start wearing sweaters
the last week of August.
My brother and I would wake unaware
to a crisp, windy morning—
mom's face left behind to tell us
that he drove south during the night. ....... why not end here? I don't think the final couplet (and yes, perhaps a bit too whiny) is needed. Perhaps even add a
that's how she was raised ? A continuity of women picking up the pieces.
Had to look up the Bible quote, and was left wondering what is the crime being punished.
Best, Knot
.
Just to be clear
Grandpa drives north/south (is he Mom's father?)
Greatgrandpa left when Grandad was seven
Greatgreatgrandpa addicted to opium/kills himself
Greatgreatgrandma unsympathetic (is she the same one in S2 who raises Grandpa?)
Grandpa drove north in early summer,
never calling ahead. ............... should this be 'called' (given 'drove'?)
He'd surprise us with late evening arrival,
expecting dinner. .................... it's a bit clunky ('surprise' is a bit 'tell' isn't it?) and doesn't 'dinner/make him another' give 'late evening arrival?
Mom would make him another—
that's how she was raised. ....... 'another' seems a bit ambiguous. As if he'd already eaten and wanted another, a second, meal. Perhaps something like
Mom would head to the kitchen,
that's how she was raised.
His dad left him without any warning
when he was seven. ............. I agree with TqB about the brevity of this. The 'him' in the next line is also ambiguous (but what I struggled with is 'grandmother'. Where's the mother? Should 'fed him' be 'took him in'?)
His grandmother fed him without complaint—
that's how she was raised.
His grandfather's closest friend was opium.
They bonded during the civil war
over rifle fire and a shattered leg
that never fully healed.......... I wasn't convinced by 'bonded' but I like the set-up. 'War stories' seemed a bit of a cliche, and then the bald statement of the final two lines just begged the question, what did he do? Black market?
Alternatively, could you cut these four lines and replace them with S4?
They swapped war stories in silence
of the departed who wouldn't die.
It vanished in 1906,
pulled from the drug store's shelves.
He wept to his wife too many times,
and she told him, "Just go ahead
and do it already."
Grandpa found him the next morning
hanging by his neck from a cross-beam in the barn. ........... It's an interesting/horrible scene, but, like S2, seems far too short (nothing here explains Grandpa's sudden appearances/departures, to me.) Also, I was expecting the verse to end with a 'that's how she was raised.'
Grandpa would start wearing sweaters
the last week of August.
My brother and I would wake unaware
to a crisp, windy morning—
mom's face left behind to tell us
that he drove south during the night. ....... why not end here? I don't think the final couplet (and yes, perhaps a bit too whiny) is needed. Perhaps even add a
that's how she was raised ? A continuity of women picking up the pieces.
Had to look up the Bible quote, and was left wondering what is the crime being punished.
Best, Knot
.