09-08-2023, 11:36 PM
(09-08-2023, 06:34 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The NamesIn mild to moderate critique, don't take the above criticisms too much to heart - especially the suggestions. It actually works pretty well, adding a description of the obfuscations of language to Piet Hein's
There are names nice opening that could lead in many directions, draws the reader in
I need to forget. and then a turn - well done.
I’m teaching myself to isolate good line break - expected "myself" next [which is what's actually happening, but not for the speaker]
them, to detach them
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts good potential play on "facts"
I can no longer interpret. are these names, really, or epithets?
When they appear in my mind is "my" necessary here?
I discourage their masks
from taking the stage; this seems a bit clumsy, if not quite cliche
their enactments are not helpful, "enactments," too, you mean the parts they play?
they turn into a riddle "drama," perhaps?
of imagined moments, better word than "moments," more stagey... scenes? dialogs? monologs?
stories I tell myself
to reprove the present. these last two lines are excellent
The present is all there is, good enough, could maybe be improved
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford maybe line break after "afford?"
to believe. It only remains to be seen appropriate but unfortunately cliche
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me "which will await me?" Just a thought.
on the other side. pretty sharp turn here. Bit of a cliche, too... does get the point across, though.
I'd like to know
what this whole show
is all about
before it's out.
The idea that *some* of the suspicious names are actually eternal verities is particularly good.
Non-practicing atheist

