09-02-2023, 10:43 PM
Hi Tim,
strong stuff.
I agree with the others, that last line really undermines the rest of the poem.
I think 'Okay' works (or 'fine').
Would prefer to see the whole thing in couplets.
I remember I once had a son
and drop down into an empty place.
A soft landing: an old picnic table
on the shore of a lake. It’s late August. *
Beneath an old tin roof held up by ancient cedar posts
John sits across from me. I ask him how he is
he says “OK”. Just that. He’s never been one for long
conversations, unless the questions come from him.
Then, he is gone again and I'm left watching
the waves roll towards me. "Happy birthday, son."
* It seems to me the whole 'month he was born' is redundant given the title.
Seems that the tenses are a little ... variable here. Should the 'watch the waves' be in the present tense? (It is August after all.
Best, Knot.
strong stuff.
I agree with the others, that last line really undermines the rest of the poem.
I think 'Okay' works (or 'fine').
Would prefer to see the whole thing in couplets.
I remember I once had a son
and drop down into an empty place.
A soft landing: an old picnic table
on the shore of a lake. It’s late August. *
Beneath an old tin roof held up by ancient cedar posts
John sits across from me. I ask him how he is
he says “OK”. Just that. He’s never been one for long
conversations, unless the questions come from him.
Then, he is gone again and I'm left watching
the waves roll towards me. "Happy birthday, son."
* It seems to me the whole 'month he was born' is redundant given the title.
Seems that the tenses are a little ... variable here. Should the 'watch the waves' be in the present tense? (It is August after all.
Best, Knot.