09-01-2023, 05:06 AM
This is transitory critique. People like words that are used in prose in poetry. It's a triumph of the Imagination, the more prosaic things are experienced as poetic. There's a place for that. But, like with Religion, there's the power of maintaining a dynamic of standards.
So I'll make a few, not important, comments, in that vein.
We sat opposites at a bay window table
Clever strip of a word
waiting for breakfast after the bed
and for me to speak.
The the here adds to the poem
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's
as did the wipeable surfaces.
Each setting had an earthenware vase
with a single dusty silk rose
that made me think of teeth
that made me think, . . . that phrase is always important to allow mentation of wordiness
and castanets. I made myself laugh
but only inside.
You were avoiding eyes
as I closed one and lined
the curve of the vase
That's a nice three-line sequence
with the sweep of your hair,
it was a perfect match.
That introduction of the "intended audience" 's hair and the perfect match is fitting.
I thought about telling you
but I knew the silence
was carrying our bags to the car
What you have here is good. I thought about breaking after carrying. But what you have has another resonance after having considering that, and the other way around.
The I can stay, when considering how the I reinforced the separate.
and eventually out of our home, The question of a period or comma here can carry, either way.
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.
I found it months later rolling around
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine. two typos
So I'll make a few, not important, comments, in that vein.
We sat opposites at a bay window table
Clever strip of a word
waiting for breakfast after the bed
and for me to speak.
The the here adds to the poem
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's
as did the wipeable surfaces.
Each setting had an earthenware vase
with a single dusty silk rose
that made me think of teeth
that made me think, . . . that phrase is always important to allow mentation of wordiness
and castanets. I made myself laugh
but only inside.
You were avoiding eyes
as I closed one and lined
the curve of the vase
That's a nice three-line sequence
with the sweep of your hair,
it was a perfect match.
That introduction of the "intended audience" 's hair and the perfect match is fitting.
I thought about telling you
but I knew the silence
was carrying our bags to the car
What you have here is good. I thought about breaking after carrying. But what you have has another resonance after having considering that, and the other way around.
The I can stay, when considering how the I reinforced the separate.
and eventually out of our home, The question of a period or comma here can carry, either way.
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.
I found it months later rolling around
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine. two typos