08-31-2023, 07:21 AM
(08-29-2023, 07:58 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Sorry, just can't give up "nerves". It's the word I want. I don't really get why it's unpoetic. -- I went back, and it's more about how that word clashes with the sonics of the words around it. When you have a word with big sounds like that, it sticks out in an unpleasant way if there's softer sounds around it. It sounds out of place.
In the end, it's probably a pedantic point, but it comes back to my sense that you're a writer who has something to say; I base this on what I've read of the rest of your work where you seem to express a narrator's frustration of not being heard or understood. I may be wrong all day long about the themes in your work, but I'll tell you that I've spent more time on this piece than 99.9% of the population would if reading this on a blog or social media page. And I've been paying attention to your work as a whole. I see you as a writer with a strong narrative voice -- this piece seems to be trying to tell a story, and I can't understand the purpose behind obscuring it intentionally.
But I have tried to make the the rest of the peom more specific and more understandable. Not sure it's any more pleasureable for the reader, -- I think that depends on what a reader is hoping to get from the piece. I'm looking for compelling imagery and lyricism. Those looking for "meaning" will be disappointed. And a writer looking for those readers will be similarly discouraged. It depends on what your goal is for the piece and how much liberty of interpretation you're prepared to tolerate.
but I think it's more comprehensible. -- This might be hard to hear, but I don't really know what that means for this poem. Different people will see different things, and there's no way for a writer to implant images directly into people's brains. What is it that we're trying to comprehend? An idea? A story? An experience? An ideal?
It sounds to me like this piece could be: (1) a reference to Moses in the desert striking the rock and bringing forth water, (2) Stonehenge, and the rituals of the pagan religions there, or (3) some kind of neurological breakthrough that speaks to why humans have overwhelmingly sought to create and conjure divinities in the heavens or in objects, kind of a "why" exploring the existence of religion as a human phenomenon.
If this is felt as unsatisfactory, I can only recommend re-evaluating the motivation behind a particular writing style and what kind of audience is desired.
TqB