08-31-2023, 12:25 AM
Hi Mark.
Promising piece.
L3 - 5 .... not convinced by these lines: 'pick on' seems the same as 'scavenging' (so do you need it?)
And, if they are 'picking' how/why are they now 'circling'?
S2 .... be nice to get a reference to your stick in here (with it's nod to the Riddle of the Sphinx.)
L10 .... not keen on ending with 'then' (feels melodramatic.)
S3 ... This seems to relate very closely with S5 (might even work coming after it?)
Do you need S4? It rather weak in contrast to the rest of the poem (probably should be period, not a comma, after still.)
S5 ... really like 'the Hand that gathers Dust' (but the does/dust rhyme is a bit of a let-down.)
Best, Knot
.
Promising piece.
L3 - 5 .... not convinced by these lines: 'pick on' seems the same as 'scavenging' (so do you need it?)
And, if they are 'picking' how/why are they now 'circling'?
S2 .... be nice to get a reference to your stick in here (with it's nod to the Riddle of the Sphinx.)
L10 .... not keen on ending with 'then' (feels melodramatic.)
S3 ... This seems to relate very closely with S5 (might even work coming after it?)
Do you need S4? It rather weak in contrast to the rest of the poem (probably should be period, not a comma, after still.)
S5 ... really like 'the Hand that gathers Dust' (but the does/dust rhyme is a bit of a let-down.)
Best, Knot
.