08-30-2023, 08:44 PM
Thanks Tim,
I made minor changes, but don’t show the previous version since it is within your critique.
Took your advice and replaced 'everything' with 'unsteady legs'.
Also changed to a singular 'fish', which is more accurate, and more immediate. Also changed 'stones' to a singular 'stone'. (Trying to keep things on a one-to-one basis, except for those 'scavenging angels'.
Took your advice again and changed 'guess' to 'wonder'- originally had it that way but felt that 'wonder' may trip up the rhythm.
Since the poem turns on those last lines, I’m leaving them as I try to think of how to re-work them. They are a bit 'poemy'. I do hope to live long enough to accept that final ‘greeting’ with grace, shaky as I might be.
Anywho- I always appreciate your critique.
-Mark
ps. I hate to admit that I can barely walk the trail anymore- very slowly with my favorite, homemade walking stick. Must be funny as hell to see me...
I made minor changes, but don’t show the previous version since it is within your critique.
Took your advice and replaced 'everything' with 'unsteady legs'.
Also changed to a singular 'fish', which is more accurate, and more immediate. Also changed 'stones' to a singular 'stone'. (Trying to keep things on a one-to-one basis, except for those 'scavenging angels'.
Took your advice again and changed 'guess' to 'wonder'- originally had it that way but felt that 'wonder' may trip up the rhythm.
Since the poem turns on those last lines, I’m leaving them as I try to think of how to re-work them. They are a bit 'poemy'. I do hope to live long enough to accept that final ‘greeting’ with grace, shaky as I might be.
Anywho- I always appreciate your critique.
-Mark
ps. I hate to admit that I can barely walk the trail anymore- very slowly with my favorite, homemade walking stick. Must be funny as hell to see me...