08-30-2023, 04:02 AM
Hello Tim-
The more I read this one the more I am sure that the entire first stanza has gotta go. Sorry, but it sets the wrong tone, at least for me.
Comments below:
Call to Song
Evading their commandments, 'Eluding old' ? 'evading' just doen't feel like the right word
we come together
in a desert of our own design. some (brief) imagery to describe that design would help here, perhaps in the previous line
seeking out a rebellious spring
that defuses rock and scripture, same with 'defuses' maybe something like 'that chisels/carves new scripture' ?
with an outward flow, casually terrific, this entire line ain't doin it for me
saturating our cells, 'saturates' ?
calling our nerves to song. 'calls' ?
Divine revelation defied,
we let the silence guide us
into a music of the mind.
much shorter, but you know me... sounds a bit like you're trying to describe something akin to 'Burning Man', but without the noise, or hubris.
-Mark
The more I read this one the more I am sure that the entire first stanza has gotta go. Sorry, but it sets the wrong tone, at least for me.
Comments below:
Call to Song
Evading their commandments, 'Eluding old' ? 'evading' just doen't feel like the right word
we come together
in a desert of our own design. some (brief) imagery to describe that design would help here, perhaps in the previous line
seeking out a rebellious spring
that defuses rock and scripture, same with 'defuses' maybe something like 'that chisels/carves new scripture' ?
with an outward flow, casually terrific, this entire line ain't doin it for me
saturating our cells, 'saturates' ?
calling our nerves to song. 'calls' ?
Divine revelation defied,
we let the silence guide us
into a music of the mind.
much shorter, but you know me... sounds a bit like you're trying to describe something akin to 'Burning Man', but without the noise, or hubris.
-Mark