Draft 4.5: Alcyone Remembers (Dizain)

[TranquillityBase]

Alcyone Remembers

The green rays, caught in eons of sunsets,
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this ruin that warm silhouettes
called home—their pictures in the roof's debris.    really preferred the image of "this shelter of silhouettes" in 2nd draft, and I don't think "silhouettes" are improved by the adjective; also preferred the rest of the line as found in draft 2.
Each missing dream was prayed for, listlessly,    preferred "fruitlessly" but I see why you would change it; if "fruitless" how could the "dream" return, as it seems to in the end
through bright fog, rank with the mildewed decay        I like "bright fog" as opposed to "morning's fog"
of sheets too large. Calls echoed every day               those damn "sheets" again   I'm just unclear whether you are speaking of literal sheets as in bed sheets or something else
down hallways filled with dead time's sand, before   still unsatisfied with the modfiers before "sand", maybe some other phrase to fill out the dizain form, something in addition to sands, but leave "sands" unmodified
oblivion returned your image—gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.

Draft 2: Alcyone Remembers

The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay,
through morning’s fog. Calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.

Good morning Alonso,

For my own edification, I underlined the revisions from your second to third drafts.  Overall, I really like the second draft better.  I do like some of the changes.  I'll try to explain above.

Distrust everything I've said. I'm pretty inept when it comes to critique.  I like some words, dislike others, but that's all subjective, and it's your poem.

As Bryn suggested in another post, use my comments as data points to compare with what others say.

It's a very haunting (and haunted) poem, whatever version I read.

TqB