08-21-2023, 07:04 AM
Thank you for the feedback.
The reason that I'm saying to scrap it is that there's simply no way to revise it if there's not good bones. I did put it in intensive with serious intent, however it seems as if the flaws are so pervasive as to be prohibitive of future re-writes. I'm not looking for encouragement, please; it's an issue of pragmatism.
I am struggling to understand how or why I wouldn't be seen as making conscious choices. On the issue of the repetition of "questions," it was an attempt at a subtle kind of refrain -- a recapitulation of a significant theme. Whether it's good... jury seems to say no, and I accept that.
As to the smoke, I suppose I can't ruin the poem any more by explaining, so I'll say that I don't recall Alice being adversely affected in spite of her significant exposure to second hand smoke. However, that doesn't mean that it's the right word for the piece.
As to this issue of the clock, perhaps that's an assumption of normativity on my part that the experience of not waking up immediately to an alarm but having it become part of the dream for a little bit, becoming slightly more intrusive until the sleeper wakes, that this is a common experience.
I was once given some thought-provoking feedback from someone here on the forum named milo. He asked me in a thread for another poem what would happen if I stopped trying to explain and learned to trust my reader. I found this advice compelling; however it might be one of those magical, milo tricks that only he can get away with.
The reason that I'm saying to scrap it is that there's simply no way to revise it if there's not good bones. I did put it in intensive with serious intent, however it seems as if the flaws are so pervasive as to be prohibitive of future re-writes. I'm not looking for encouragement, please; it's an issue of pragmatism.
I am struggling to understand how or why I wouldn't be seen as making conscious choices. On the issue of the repetition of "questions," it was an attempt at a subtle kind of refrain -- a recapitulation of a significant theme. Whether it's good... jury seems to say no, and I accept that.
As to the smoke, I suppose I can't ruin the poem any more by explaining, so I'll say that I don't recall Alice being adversely affected in spite of her significant exposure to second hand smoke. However, that doesn't mean that it's the right word for the piece.
As to this issue of the clock, perhaps that's an assumption of normativity on my part that the experience of not waking up immediately to an alarm but having it become part of the dream for a little bit, becoming slightly more intrusive until the sleeper wakes, that this is a common experience.
I was once given some thought-provoking feedback from someone here on the forum named milo. He asked me in a thread for another poem what would happen if I stopped trying to explain and learned to trust my reader. I found this advice compelling; however it might be one of those magical, milo tricks that only he can get away with.