08-19-2023, 01:51 AM
Hi Lizzie-
The Alice in Wonderland underlying theme just gets in the way, for me. That theme conjures so much imagery that it blocks my view.
That underlying theme may work fine for others. For me, though, this story/poem would be more effective grounded in your personal reality.
It was dark inside the rabbit hole.
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes good line
pacing over window screens at night— perhaps 'probing' instead. Hard to picture screens in the hole.
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming comma after 'strange, '
detail for the story of the dream, not sure what this line means
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble. suddenly there's a bubble in the rabbit hole
Faces try to catch me with their eyes; good line
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets. don't recall them dropping baskets into the rabbit hole
Who decides what happens next? The wall odd question, me thinks
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions. An example question would help here.
Quiet settles like a gentle smoke. good line, except for 'a'
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says the best way out is through— good phrase
take my hand and we'll fall down together. if the way out is through, then why 'fall down'?
This would read better (for me) as a description of a dream, without the Alice connection.
- Mark
The Alice in Wonderland underlying theme just gets in the way, for me. That theme conjures so much imagery that it blocks my view.
That underlying theme may work fine for others. For me, though, this story/poem would be more effective grounded in your personal reality.
It was dark inside the rabbit hole.
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes good line
pacing over window screens at night— perhaps 'probing' instead. Hard to picture screens in the hole.
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming comma after 'strange, '
detail for the story of the dream, not sure what this line means
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble. suddenly there's a bubble in the rabbit hole
Faces try to catch me with their eyes; good line
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets. don't recall them dropping baskets into the rabbit hole
Who decides what happens next? The wall odd question, me thinks
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions. An example question would help here.
Quiet settles like a gentle smoke. good line, except for 'a'
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says the best way out is through— good phrase
take my hand and we'll fall down together. if the way out is through, then why 'fall down'?
This would read better (for me) as a description of a dream, without the Alice connection.
- Mark