Draft 3: Forever Legacy

[TranquillityBase]

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and leave my memory in rainbows
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Alonso,

I wasn't part of the first round of critiques, so I'm seeing this as a new poem.

My only suggestion/comment is about that word "rainbows".  However, it may just be a knee jerk reaction, since I can't seem to stomach that word in almost any context.  But if I had my druthers, I'd ask for a different word choice.  Or cutting it altogether:

"and leave my memory to savor
that smell of hosewater.  Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath."

is one suggestion.

or just

"and leave my memory 
to that smell of hosewater.  Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath."


It's a very succinct and beautiful poem, rainbows or not.

TqB