08-16-2023, 01:01 AM
Hi CRNDLSM,
like the idea (and I quite liked what I could follow of the vernacular original) but it seems a bit confused, feels like there's one point of view too many here. And I found the lack of specific details made it hard to get a handle on the piece.
Consider
He went out alone in the night time
They found his row boat oh Lord
After midnight? Early evening? Winter? Summer? What day of the week?
And where is this ... lake? River?
I liked this in the original
He drowned according to authority
But there's nothing as to the 'why' of things here (for me.) Accident? Suicide? Murder? The title suggests accident or murder, but it would help to include something that says he went out (perhaps to do something in particular) with the intention of returning ... which would lead to your last line (which I also like.)
But then the opening three lines say he might have somehow brought this upon himself. Need more details!
Are you looking to 'tell the story' or something else?
Best, Knot
.
like the idea (and I quite liked what I could follow of the vernacular original) but it seems a bit confused, feels like there's one point of view too many here. And I found the lack of specific details made it hard to get a handle on the piece.
Consider
He went out alone in the night time
They found his row boat oh Lord
After midnight? Early evening? Winter? Summer? What day of the week?
And where is this ... lake? River?
I liked this in the original
He drowned according to authority
But there's nothing as to the 'why' of things here (for me.) Accident? Suicide? Murder? The title suggests accident or murder, but it would help to include something that says he went out (perhaps to do something in particular) with the intention of returning ... which would lead to your last line (which I also like.)
But then the opening three lines say he might have somehow brought this upon himself. Need more details!
Are you looking to 'tell the story' or something else?
Best, Knot
.