08-15-2023, 06:57 PM
(08-15-2023, 04:27 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Hello, everyone. I've added a spoiler that should help a good deal with clarity. I made an assumption that this phenomenon was well known, so that's my oversight.Hi Lizzie,
I think you need to make this more apparent throughout the child's journey, such as
"You watched yourself wander off again
down the lane the tractors made...."
Maybe in a more subtle way, but still, more of the lines like
"The door to the kitchen opened itself
another person's arm pulled the handle."
Because no, this is not a phenomenon I was aware of and I doubt it's common knowledge, and it's not made clear until those two lines at the end.
I think such a revision would transform this poem from simply beautiful to remarkable.
TqB