Disappearance (Edit)

[Lizzie]

Hey, Crundle. I read this sequentially at first and only saw your explanation of the story after the fact. So, I thought that Nick was Santa as I was reading it through, and it still worked, strangely enough. Kind of a "where did childhood go," dark take on the holidays. I'm assuming that, if you were to record this, there would be some kind of explainer about the story (there probably should be for folks like me). Anyway, overall impression is that, like you said, there's a lot of repetition. However, if the music slaps then repeat as much as you need to, assuming that there's enough interest musically to support that. I'm assuming you don't care about punctuation since it will be sung, so I won't touch that. 

Edit 1

One more thing before you leave
don't go messing with things 
you don't wanna be -- I'm assuming that the thing you don't want to be is dead? Otherwise, this is quite vague. The story starts in the next stanza. You could always add a little moral at the end if you wanted to.                             

Mama told me don't go
you know were gonna grow -- I'd like to see "go" repeated here. Like how moms tell you to do something, but you know you're gonna do it anyway. It would add to the cautionary tale message. I think that you mean that you're going to grow up, but that's kind of....obvious. 
I know I been down
where the ol' river flowed

As the story goes
Ol nick went out there on his own
He went out alone in the night time 
They found his row boat oh Lord
He never came home
how he died no one knows
they couldn't find anything -- but you go on to say that they do know what happened. He drowned and it was underground, and they're presumably basing that on some kind of evidence. So it's not like he just mysteriously disappeared into the shadow. Probably felt like that to those left behind, but I think you need to say that it felt like that, because there seems to be a contradiction in the story. 


Oh Nick whered you go
He drowned according to authorities
He drowned somewhere underground -- this is a good line. You give the facts, but the underground part is haunting. Reinforces the shrouded feeling around the details of the death. 
They sent out the hounds -- This is too much of a stock phrase. Especially in the middle of a sad story, it sounds flippant. Also, a little comical because of the well known phrase "release the hounds" from the Simpsons. 

You'll never go home -- come home, maybe? 
oh Nick whered you go? 
When you died you went out that night
No one by your side ones you leave behind -- you're missing some words in here, I think. Couple of lines jammed together? 
Whered you go Nick?
no one knows 

they just know you died -- I would cut this because we know by this point that he's dead. The repetition of the question of "where did you go" isn't grating because the questions of what happens after death always persist. And sometimes we say why when we really mean, "I don't want this to be happening."
Hope you find your way home -- Great ending. Hopeful and sad. It's perfect. 

Hope this is helpful in some way. All the best with it. 

Lizzie