#dadlife
#18
(08-15-2023, 08:51 AM)Wjames Wrote:  
(08-06-2023, 12:23 PM)O. M. Geezersnaps Wrote:  The kids are skating solo now
and tying their own laces.
I'm left with space a scribbler needs
to study movements, faces, 

particularities of scene,
what's vital and quintessence.
I need a fluid, clear conceit,
evaporated to a resin. I think the meter is wonky in this line. It threw me off - the second and fourth lines of each of the other stanzas all have seven syllables, with two iamb feet and then a bacchius. This line is nine syllables, and doesn't fit that same pattern. 'Evaporating resin' is something similar that to my read would fit the meter, but not sure if it would have the meaning you would want.

Their skating showed a subtlety
I'd missed, entranced with visions:
I'm shadow in their imagery,
facsimile of presence.
Hey OMG, I really like this, it takes me back to playing hockey as a kid with my dad tying up my skates.
Well, I'd say I'm glad you found my error, but I most certainly am not.  Hysterical 
I am, however, mightily appreciative. 

Now I'm glad I never became a podiatrist...  tongueincheek

Not good with feet. Meter.....I'll just see myself out.

Thanks again to everyone who gave input. Seems to me like the poem could be good, could be bad, or poems in general could be bad. I'm going to have to think about things for a bit before I can figure out what I think.

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Messages In This Thread
#dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-06-2023, 12:23 PM
RE: #dadlife - by rowens - 08-06-2023, 12:55 PM
RE: #dadlife - by TranquillityBase - 08-06-2023, 07:04 PM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-07-2023, 02:15 AM
RE: #dadlife - by TranquillityBase - 08-07-2023, 02:48 AM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-07-2023, 02:50 AM
RE: #dadlife -- revision - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-12-2023, 06:47 AM
RE: #dadlife -- revision - by rowens - 08-12-2023, 07:32 AM
RE: #dadlife -- revision - by rowens - 08-12-2023, 12:05 PM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-12-2023, 01:24 PM
RE: #dadlife - by TranquillityBase - 08-12-2023, 06:51 PM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-13-2023, 04:12 AM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-13-2023, 06:30 AM
RE: #dadlife - by TranquillityBase - 08-13-2023, 07:30 PM
RE: #dadlife - by Mark A Becker - 08-14-2023, 03:01 AM
RE: #dadlife - by rowens - 08-15-2023, 03:27 AM
RE: #dadlife - by Wjames - 08-15-2023, 08:51 AM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-15-2023, 12:59 PM
RE: #dadlife - by brynmawr1 - 08-15-2023, 09:14 PM
RE: #dadlife - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-16-2023, 01:05 AM



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