08-14-2023, 03:01 AM
Or, as ee once said:
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you
That said, snaps, I used to pay a lot more attention to form than I do anymore. The trick, I think, is to try to get words to form as transparent a glass as possible in which to pour the poem. (I fail at that more often than not.)
The kids are skating solo now
and tying their own laces.
I'm left with space a scribbler needs
to study movements, faces, The opening sets a playful tone, with perfect rhyme and rhythm- good!
particularities of scene,
what's vital and quintessence.
I need a fluid, clear conceit,
evaporated to a resin. this stanza begins to lose that playfulness, and seems overly poemy (something I often do).
Their skating showed a subtlety
I'd missed, entranced with visions:
I'm shadow in their imagery,
facsimile of presence. If "their skating showed a subtlety I'd missed" then who saw it? If S.2 is placed more firmly in the past, then their development into the present would be clearer in S.3. Hope that makes sense.
I fully understand that feeling of beginning to feel separated from the action as the kids develop skills, and maybe you could show that in a simpler way: I see the framework of the poem more than its meaning, which blunts how I feel about it.
- Mark
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you
That said, snaps, I used to pay a lot more attention to form than I do anymore. The trick, I think, is to try to get words to form as transparent a glass as possible in which to pour the poem. (I fail at that more often than not.)
The kids are skating solo now
and tying their own laces.
I'm left with space a scribbler needs
to study movements, faces, The opening sets a playful tone, with perfect rhyme and rhythm- good!
particularities of scene,
what's vital and quintessence.
I need a fluid, clear conceit,
evaporated to a resin. this stanza begins to lose that playfulness, and seems overly poemy (something I often do).
Their skating showed a subtlety
I'd missed, entranced with visions:
I'm shadow in their imagery,
facsimile of presence. If "their skating showed a subtlety I'd missed" then who saw it? If S.2 is placed more firmly in the past, then their development into the present would be clearer in S.3. Hope that makes sense.
I fully understand that feeling of beginning to feel separated from the action as the kids develop skills, and maybe you could show that in a simpler way: I see the framework of the poem more than its meaning, which blunts how I feel about it.
- Mark