08-13-2023, 12:27 PM
The Moon feels more distant without the cold. The lines more solemn.
Really, you don't need Moon. You could say
chasing a heart
that spurs you in your surge
first in her coming, again as she goes.
I kept seeing with my "inner eye": these innocent stones.
Even: marvelous roar. I know the meaning of your counter rhyme, but still.
As for the lack of comma after surge, you can get away with things like that with line breaks in poems. And it links the surging with the coming and going. So near, so far.
Really, you don't need Moon. You could say
chasing a heart
that spurs you in your surge
first in her coming, again as she goes.
I kept seeing with my "inner eye": these innocent stones.
Even: marvelous roar. I know the meaning of your counter rhyme, but still.
As for the lack of comma after surge, you can get away with things like that with line breaks in poems. And it links the surging with the coming and going. So near, so far.