08-02-2023, 06:08 AM
Hello snapper-
The meter and rhyming are well executed and I can only offer a few suggestions:
It could be a tumor; it could be demons,
your symptoms will still be the same. 'demons/symptoms' is a cool internal near-rhyme
Can't say it's malignance or mystery,
or which one is worse for the brain.
It' either pale entrails in cauldrons, wild pine nuts divining, Thrown off here everytime I read it.
and oracle bones cloaked in smoke,
or blood draws and blood sugar panels,
and the blitheness of shrugging white coats.
This quibbling about insurance while specters still linger
behind every negative test.
With questions unanswered and answers unquestioned,
we hold each breath tight to our chests.
The slight changes I inserted are merely suggestions- this one is an overall successful write.
By the way, welcome to the Pen,
- Mark
The meter and rhyming are well executed and I can only offer a few suggestions:
It could be a tumor; it could be demons,
your symptoms will still be the same. 'demons/symptoms' is a cool internal near-rhyme
Can't say it's malignance or mystery,
or which one is worse for the brain.
It' either pale entrails in cauldrons, wild pine nuts divining, Thrown off here everytime I read it.
and oracle bones cloaked in smoke,
or blood draws and blood sugar panels,
and the blitheness of shrugging white coats.
This quibbling about insurance while specters still linger
behind every negative test.
With questions unanswered and answers unquestioned,
we hold each breath tight to our chests.
The slight changes I inserted are merely suggestions- this one is an overall successful write.
By the way, welcome to the Pen,
- Mark