Draft 5: A Bogeyman

[Knot]

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Hi AR.

It's a bit confusing, the tenses vary, and the line breaks, especially the opening couplet are awkward (and don't really match the rest of the poem.)

But I think its real weakness is the title.

from the balcony; gold shot

from the shadows, snatching

my attention.

.......... this is awkward, and, I think, in the wrong place.

Past the yard, there's darkness,

cool and wet where things that may not be

hide in the gossiping of leaves. Maybe

............ this is terrific, makes me want to keep reading

I shouldn't be out here digging

right now. I dust my knees, set down

the garden shovel, then head back inside.

................ 'shouldn't be' suggests present tense (also, 'right now') / 'headed back' is paste tense (so 'head back' to match.)

I wonder if 'digging' should be 'hunting for treasure' to tie in to the pirates later?

Before climbing up the balcony steps,

there was a ring, lodged in silt

beneath the softly flowing creek,

winking in the light.

...............the jump from 'before climbing' to 'there was a ring' reads awkwardly. And again, shouldn't this be present tense. There is a ring?

I think this is where the opening couplet should go (between your stanzas 2 and 3) After all, if it snatched your attention why has it taken you this long to get around to it? So

gold shoots from the balcony

(surely there's a shooting star image or something here?)

lands, almost soundlessly

in the silt ...

Wires clattering, I found him stooped

beneath his desk. Dad, look.

I held out his relief. Time

..... again the tenses are muddled. Is this verse trying too hard? What are the 'wires' and why are they clattering? Why is he beneath his desk (it doesn't convey searching so why?) Ending on 'look' would be stronger, I think.

I find Dad at his desk,

"Look."

Later, I'm a pirate (again)

swinging ...

went on until I was a pirate,

swinging from a blanket tethered

to my upper bunk bed, when I heard

him and Ma yelling in the living room.

........ do you have to be explicit here? Might there argument not be represented as a storm or something?

Their words are bitter as a morning

coffee without the routine sugar.

.......... it's a stronger image without the explanatory note.

I'm not sure what I can do.

I leave my room and see

Ma go outside

to fling something

..........

I leave my room just in time

to watch Ma

fling something into the darkness ?

Best, Knot

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