Quietude

[brynmawr1]

Quietude

Maybe, night’s
quietude               this first stanza is great
is right for us.

Moonlight washes
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city

Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.       this reads awkwardly for me.  missing some commas?

And afterwards,                 after.....something?
when the moon weeps silently,     I think weeping is already quiet and personal as opposed to sobbing and wailing
my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.

---

I have edited this poem a couple of times already. I think it's good in some places, but needs to come together better. Floating / arbitrary conjunctions etc abound right now. Thanks.

Hey Busker,
I feel like I always show my ignorance when I critique your poems, but here goes.  First, I think it reads well throughout.  However, from reading your other pieces, this feels like a historical reference I'm not getting.  "Florentine" seems the only really specific reference but doesn't do it for me.  If I'm not way off, this is where a different title might help.  My only other quibble is the rhyme.  It works and doesn't.  The most problematic example for me is in S3, friend creates the rhyme but could be cut and it would read a little better to my ear.  These are quibbling issues, but ones I think your ability can overcome.  Or, my opinion has a whiff of shit!
Always a pleasure,
steve