It could be a tumor, or it could be demons
#3
(08-01-2023, 01:29 AM)O. M. Geezersnaps Wrote:  It could be a tumor or it could be demons,
your symptoms will still be the same.
Can't say which is worse, a malignance or mystery,         doesn't seem like quite the right word, demony enough.  I like the sonics though
or which one is worse for the brain. 

Pale entrails in cauldrons, wild pine nuts divining,     this also seems too mild though it reads well
or oracle bones cloaked in smoke,
would shame all the blood draws and blood sugar panels,
the blitheness of shrugging white coats.           also get stuck here, doesn't really role off the tongue

They quibble insurance while specters still linger 
behind every negative test.
With questions unanswered and answers unquestioned,   I like this line.  sums up both sides of navigating the health system.
we hold each breath tight to our chests.
Hi OMG,
Glad to see you posting.  I like what you've done here.  I feel you have given a poignant peek at illness.  I would like to see you use the title to add something rather than just the first line.  One title that came to mind (I don't like it that much) as an example is "Protoplasm or neoplasm".  something like that, maybe.  My only other comment is stylistic  in that there are parts that are a little conversational and could be tightened but certainly not a deal breaker for this reader.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
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RE: It could be a tumor, or it could be demons - by brynmawr1 - 08-01-2023, 07:52 AM



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