07-31-2023, 11:05 PM
Hello busker-
Understanding that you have already been hard at work on this one, I will try to offer what I hope is helpful. I will only change one word, but will subtract many and re-arrange one line. That should let you know how this poem spoke to this reader.
Quietude possibly a very brief definition of 'quietude' to avoid repeating the word right off the bat, or maybe make it the first word of the poem
is right for us.
Moonlight
bathes the grass of
memory
There you live, friend,
across from the park in a villa.
my longing knows
no bounds for you. 'thee' just seems too archaic
This is only one reader's view, and you know my tendency toward brevity. The parts that I left are the core of the poem, for me. That does not invalidate the surrounding details, it only offers my personal take on this one.
- Mark
Understanding that you have already been hard at work on this one, I will try to offer what I hope is helpful. I will only change one word, but will subtract many and re-arrange one line. That should let you know how this poem spoke to this reader.
Quietude possibly a very brief definition of 'quietude' to avoid repeating the word right off the bat, or maybe make it the first word of the poem
is right for us.
Moonlight
bathes the grass of
memory
There you live, friend,
across from the park in a villa.
my longing knows
no bounds for you. 'thee' just seems too archaic
This is only one reader's view, and you know my tendency toward brevity. The parts that I left are the core of the poem, for me. That does not invalidate the surrounding details, it only offers my personal take on this one.
- Mark