07-29-2023, 06:43 AM
Hello Steve-
I have not read any of the other comments, so I'm looking at this with fresh eyes.
I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor, OK, fair enough opening
refracted as the deepest sea. this phrase doesn't make sense to me. I understand refraction but not in this context. Maybe 'refracted by the deepest sea'. Still, it almost reads as if you are beng refracted (not the light).
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. odd phrase, and hard for me to picture
An emerald surface dipped and swayed confused by this, too. Maybe 'undulating'?
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade mixing up my senses here. What am I hearing if it's quiet?
through a still and misted air. Hmm... first we have wind and now still air. Which is it?
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn
deeper down by each fiddlehead
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown. Is the sailor trying to drown the fiddleheads, or is the sailor drowning?
I don't know, Steve, there's a lot of sensory feel to this piece, but I never re-surface to that forest floor.
Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, but I think you need to take a deep breath and re-visit this one.
I have not read any of the other comments, so I'm looking at this with fresh eyes.
I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor, OK, fair enough opening
refracted as the deepest sea. this phrase doesn't make sense to me. I understand refraction but not in this context. Maybe 'refracted by the deepest sea'. Still, it almost reads as if you are beng refracted (not the light).
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. odd phrase, and hard for me to picture
An emerald surface dipped and swayed confused by this, too. Maybe 'undulating'?
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade mixing up my senses here. What am I hearing if it's quiet?
through a still and misted air. Hmm... first we have wind and now still air. Which is it?
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn
deeper down by each fiddlehead
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown. Is the sailor trying to drown the fiddleheads, or is the sailor drowning?
I don't know, Steve, there's a lot of sensory feel to this piece, but I never re-surface to that forest floor.
Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, but I think you need to take a deep breath and re-visit this one.