The Abstracted Jackhammer

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi, Tiger. This one takes a little time to get into like those Magic Eye books. Overall, I see a speaker tired of the status quo and ready to shake things up. That's the understanding that I'm operating from.

It's important that you signaled clearly to the reader with your title that they'll need soft focus and imagination. I like the title. 

The Abstracted Jackhammer


He's sick of concrete; -- a good initial hook
sick of belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun -- This idea of reflection as a form of praise for a solar deity is intriguing. 
to one day again, reflect more than grey. -- The pebbles would have been pretty dull originally unless you went to the work of polishing them. So, I'm not sure where the "again" part comes into play. Anyway, I like the idea that the jackhammer could be the enemy of all things static. 
 
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content, 
rallying to erode rest; -- ???
drunk and conceited with numbers. -- In the first stanza, it sounds like we're meant to empathize with the elements of the concrete and wish them freed. But, since the beach isn't particularly static, this stanza doesn't seem to fit conceptually. Sounds like this stanza is touching on the homelessness crisis, which may be a desperate over-reach. However, vagary invites such liberties. 
 
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun -- if this is a greenhouse scenario, maybe the lettuce was promised the sun but didn't receive? Otherwise, it reads like the lettuce promised sun to the hammer and didn't deliver. Expecting a bit much of the lettuce, in my opinion. 
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation. -- Modern agricultural practices are what's making the salad taste of nothing. I think it would be good for this stanza and the poem as a whole to give a clearer sense of what the hammer wants to break up. In this instance, perhaps it's the greenhouses that aren't letting the lettuce get enough light. Who or what is speculating -- perhaps a reference to climate change?
 
He's sick of barnacles -- I like the idea of opportunistic hangers-on, but barnacles can't survive for long stretches above water -- they tolerate low tide until they can get back in the water. Unless that's the idea, that they're not acting in their own self interest, but then why demonize them? I'm not sure who is the villain anymore... 
lobbying for free trade at low tide; -- thinking of the ship stuck in the Suez Canal
stowed away on apathy— -- it's hard to show apathy, but this is a bit too much telling
under Titanic immunity. -- I'm taking from this a reference to the legal problems that arise from that part of the Atlantic being international waters and subject to less regulation. 
 
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips. 
 
He's sick of us pitching disaster -- the "us" is terribly vague
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time. -- I agree that this is an abrupt ending. Also, 'getting to work on time' is kind of a stock phrase. The idea is good, I just think it needs to be re-worded. 

I like the idea of a rogue jackhammer, rampaging around the world and breaking stuff up that is bad for the world or isn't functioning properly. I don't think that vision is fully realized here because there's so many different thought tangents that the reader could justify. My top line advice is: (1) be completely clear in your own mind what the desire of the jackhammer is, and (2) make sure that each example is consistent with this vision. That will help tighten the conceit. 

Finally, you have an opportunity to add details about the jackhammer's construction/constitution to build out the anthropomorphism. 

All the best,

Lizzie

Thanks so much for this Lizzie. Lots to unpack here. I promise to be back once I've digested these WJ and TB's observations. Really pleased to have fresh eyes on this since it was from NaPM 2015 and I still like it enough to toy with it. Much appreciated crit.