07-23-2023, 01:19 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-23-2023, 01:21 PM by RiverNotch.)
Just some notes. Aside from the one niggle below, I don't think I have anything to say to the end of revising this piece -- anything that couldn't be explained away. I really like it....but also my liking it feels almost, idk, vain? egotistic? Cuz it's well within what I think are my usual fixations xD
Tiktaalik -- I had to memorize some extinct genera for a class I recently took (well, retook, but only because I failed to finish it last time). Ichthyostega, Acanthostega, Tiktaalik....ain't that a strange name, compared to those others? Neither Greek nor Roman, no, not even Coptic or Semitic: apparently it's Inuktitut for "large freshwater fish". I wonder if there's any wondering at that fact in this piece.
In the beginning, God
created everything. So it went: -- I also wonder if this is a deliberate echo to Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, which I haven't read, so if this is an echo, then I have no idea why the tense is different.
cosmic egg, serpent,
proto man, and water,
darkness, light. In that order, -- The one niggle: not sure if this line needs to end with a comma, and/or the next line needs to start with "or".
or with slight variations. Words invent
everything: Theos en ho logos. -- I wish I was well-versed enough in the Bible to catch more than the usual allusions: Genesis, John, and (later, but somewhat perplexing to me) Luke. I could swear "serpent" and even "cosmic egg" go beyond syncretism and suggest, say, Isaiah, but I have no idea.
The voice of a man sent
from God stirred up dry leaves, -- Creation myth, then Adam and Eve putting on fig leaves, then the Cumaean Sibyl?
wet the lips with new myths.
For such a spring
I thirst, Theophilus. -- But yeah, this is perplexing to me because "Theophilus" is a Lukan, not Johannine, thing, and I'm not sure what its inclusion entails -- that is, beyond the sense of yearning given by this sudden transition into an address. While I have to believe in the unity of the Gospel, aesthetically this may be an element too much, unless I'm missing a different reference: say, the word "theophilus" is actually present in John, Genesis, perhaps even Isaiah, only Englishers prefer to translate rather than transliterate. The yearning, however, is beautiful, so if I'm not missing something, maybe it'd be better to choose a different name for the addressed.
Not the poor
wisdom that fish devours fish
but some spiritual gift
for driftwood washed ashore. -- If "wood" here is meant to be an allusion to, you know, the Wood, then I kinda don't like it? It'd be too on the nose, and not related enough, I think, to the paganisms of "cosmic wood" or "stirred up dry leaves". As for the sentiment, it's definitely poor wisdom to think evolution is just "fish devouring fish", with mutualism and altruism and the like, but that is not so much a deficiency of the speaker as it is of a society that educates only to justify the exploitation of its majority.
See, see, a Devonian Tiktaalik -- "Devonian" is another interesting word, in that its origin is that bit of England. Again, I wonder if there's something here about, say, the blending of the European with the non-European, and whether that something is positive or negative.
returns once more to water at the beginning.
Tiktaalik -- I had to memorize some extinct genera for a class I recently took (well, retook, but only because I failed to finish it last time). Ichthyostega, Acanthostega, Tiktaalik....ain't that a strange name, compared to those others? Neither Greek nor Roman, no, not even Coptic or Semitic: apparently it's Inuktitut for "large freshwater fish". I wonder if there's any wondering at that fact in this piece.
In the beginning, God
created everything. So it went: -- I also wonder if this is a deliberate echo to Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, which I haven't read, so if this is an echo, then I have no idea why the tense is different.
cosmic egg, serpent,
proto man, and water,
darkness, light. In that order, -- The one niggle: not sure if this line needs to end with a comma, and/or the next line needs to start with "or".
or with slight variations. Words invent
everything: Theos en ho logos. -- I wish I was well-versed enough in the Bible to catch more than the usual allusions: Genesis, John, and (later, but somewhat perplexing to me) Luke. I could swear "serpent" and even "cosmic egg" go beyond syncretism and suggest, say, Isaiah, but I have no idea.
The voice of a man sent
from God stirred up dry leaves, -- Creation myth, then Adam and Eve putting on fig leaves, then the Cumaean Sibyl?
wet the lips with new myths.
For such a spring
I thirst, Theophilus. -- But yeah, this is perplexing to me because "Theophilus" is a Lukan, not Johannine, thing, and I'm not sure what its inclusion entails -- that is, beyond the sense of yearning given by this sudden transition into an address. While I have to believe in the unity of the Gospel, aesthetically this may be an element too much, unless I'm missing a different reference: say, the word "theophilus" is actually present in John, Genesis, perhaps even Isaiah, only Englishers prefer to translate rather than transliterate. The yearning, however, is beautiful, so if I'm not missing something, maybe it'd be better to choose a different name for the addressed.
Not the poor
wisdom that fish devours fish
but some spiritual gift
for driftwood washed ashore. -- If "wood" here is meant to be an allusion to, you know, the Wood, then I kinda don't like it? It'd be too on the nose, and not related enough, I think, to the paganisms of "cosmic wood" or "stirred up dry leaves". As for the sentiment, it's definitely poor wisdom to think evolution is just "fish devouring fish", with mutualism and altruism and the like, but that is not so much a deficiency of the speaker as it is of a society that educates only to justify the exploitation of its majority.
See, see, a Devonian Tiktaalik -- "Devonian" is another interesting word, in that its origin is that bit of England. Again, I wonder if there's something here about, say, the blending of the European with the non-European, and whether that something is positive or negative.
returns once more to water at the beginning.