The Combat Inside the Beast

[Kynaston Levitt]

L1: missing apostrophe. Also, the meter has gone out for a walk. 
L4: the frown / clown rhyme is clownish (randomly anthropomorphising words for rhyme is a novice mistake)
L5: the ‘tech’/ ‘wreck’ rhyme is uninspiring

L7: a never stopping clock that never tells time is an interesting idea, but the fly which has been randomly introduced destroys any attempt at cleverness. An infinite fly that tells you what’s what is also fine, but not a fly that’s a clock that doesn’t tell time. It’s trying too hard to be smart.

L9: two cliches out together in a metaphor that doesn’t really work. Grains of sand don’t make hay. The metaphor has to be internally consistent.

The remaining lines continue on their same trite jingly jangly trajectory

I assume that the poem is attempting to be autobiographical, but the self deprecation is overshadowed by the bad rhymes and inconsistent metaphors.

The Combat Inside the Beast 


Whatever your joking acid jokes about doesn't matter,    I'd cut this down to "Your acid jokes don't matter". 
because you're buried electronics and old tech.         "because you're buried in electronics and old tech"
Your middle's a frown,
Your hair is a clown,
and your hate of the world is a wreck.

You're the secret and never stopping clock
of an infinite fly that never tells time
but has time to tell you what's what.   I like this stanza the best

You're a grain of sand making hay—
you're the shine on a chocolate, today.  don't quite get this line; forget the rhyme and say what you mean
You're a smiley face
in utter disgrace.
You're sexy and fading away.

KL,

Like the title a lot.  Some good lines, but, as noted, some throw away lines I'd cut.

TqB

Thanks for reading and taking the time to critique (both of you). The only criticism I would push back against (as it is the only objective criticism given) is the apostrophe in L1. It's supposed to be the 3rd person present verb. As in "he jokes about whatever" or "whatever he jokes about". Rather than "His joke is about whatever" or "whatever his joke is about". 

Other than that, I'm really interested in this idea of a "novice mistake". There's a thread on here somewhere that lists a few that seem quite basic. But I have always found this concept fascinating. It's like fan art that's just a bit off. Just a bit not right. And, of course, it's always contextual. I mean, I have been reading and writing and studying poetry for the best part of 25 years and I know that everything I wrote here was either deliberate or knowingly careless ("in utter disgrace" what an awful line). I think it might be cool, not to mention informative, to have a thread of bad poetry—either originally written or taken from other sources (not from the members of this site, of course). It would be like a template for newer poets to avoid or experienced ones to fuck with.