07-22-2023, 09:04 AM
L1: missing apostrophe. Also, the meter has gone out for a walk.
L4: the frown / clown rhyme is clownish (randomly anthropomorphising words for rhyme is a novice mistake)
L5: the ‘tech’/ ‘wreck’ rhyme is uninspiring
L7: a never stopping clock that never tells time is an interesting idea, but the fly which has been randomly introduced destroys any attempt at cleverness. An infinite fly that tells you what’s what is also fine, but not a fly that’s a clock that doesn’t tell time. It’s trying too hard to be smart.
L9: two cliches out together in a metaphor that doesn’t really work. Grains of sand don’t make hay. The metaphor has to be internally consistent.
The remaining lines continue on their same trite jingly jangly trajectory
I assume that the poem is attempting to be autobiographical, but the self deprecation is overshadowed by the bad rhymes and inconsistent metaphors.
L4: the frown / clown rhyme is clownish (randomly anthropomorphising words for rhyme is a novice mistake)
L5: the ‘tech’/ ‘wreck’ rhyme is uninspiring
L7: a never stopping clock that never tells time is an interesting idea, but the fly which has been randomly introduced destroys any attempt at cleverness. An infinite fly that tells you what’s what is also fine, but not a fly that’s a clock that doesn’t tell time. It’s trying too hard to be smart.
L9: two cliches out together in a metaphor that doesn’t really work. Grains of sand don’t make hay. The metaphor has to be internally consistent.
The remaining lines continue on their same trite jingly jangly trajectory
I assume that the poem is attempting to be autobiographical, but the self deprecation is overshadowed by the bad rhymes and inconsistent metaphors.