A Brother's Grip

[Miley]

A Brother’s Grip



Your damned old songs

still haunt me hard.

Night after night I appreciate that this first stanza is direct, and you now have less metaphors(well similie/metaphor) than the previous versions which had the dog simile. I think its not exactly interesting though... and I wonder if you can cut this stanza entirely and start with the next one.



I almost see your  a shadow small suggestion mostly because I didn't think "your" repeated sounded nice... "a" is just a little more ambiguous.

hovering over your guitar

in the corner of my room;

I very nearly hear

your bottleneck slide

under my pillow.



Still hours before morning-

a soundtrack of rain

keeping the beat



as I lie awake watching

your silent movie

unspooling on the ceiling.  I think it was a good move removing it’s hard to picture you gone. as its written all over the poem!

A Brother's Grip



You’re like an old dog

wagging its tail at my door,

begging to come in,



but my drunken feet struggle

in the too early morning,

so I shuffle back



undercover- nearly hear

your bottleneck slide in

a solo, under my pillow-



still feel the familiar grip

of your hand; the stinging whip

of your tongue.



Watching your silent movie

unspooling on the ceiling,

it’s hard to picture you gone.









Brotherly Love



You’re like an old dog

wagging its tail at my door,

begging to come in,



but drunken feet struggle

in the too early morning,

so I shuffle back undercover.



I thought I could hear you

playing guitar, sliding in

under my mind-



my ears become dumb bells,

the weight of you doubled

inside my head.



Your shadow leans in too close

to my pillow, catching my breath,

asking if you can borrow it.



I can almost feel the strong grip

of your hand; the stinging

whip of your tongue.



Watching your silent movie

unspooling on the ceiling,

it’s hard to picture you gone.

The content of this one seems very clear to me... the brother is gone, either passed away or left but the narrator is still thinking about their brother, at night. Grip has a negative connotation like power, overpowering, its unclear to me what the brothers relationship was in life ( im assuming the brother passsed away) , but it seems complicated and not that the narrator is just missing their brother, but that they are haunted by the absence of this brother, which is different than missing. Grip also has a double meaning with the guitar? I see how through the edits the poem got cleaner/more direct i still kinda switches back n forth between the visual and auditory.. the soundtrack to a movie vs the visuals of the movie or something. I did like some of your earlier lines, and while I see why they were cut.. i also just thought they were well written, so I made my own v and put them back in, and made some minor chages aswell.. Just my 2 cents though. thank you.

I almost see a shadow
hovering over your guitar
in the corner of my room;

my ears become dumb bells,
the weight of you doubled
inside my head.
your bottleneck slide
beneath my pillow.

Your shadow leans in too close,
catching my breath,
taking what you can borrow.  

hours before morning-
a soundtrack of rain
keeps beat

I lie awake watching
your silent film
unspooling on the ceiling.