07-09-2023, 12:14 AM
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Hi Tim,
the revision just adds more explanations, more telling (and the Shakespeare is too heavy handed, for me.)
I think his father death is a separate poem (and one I'd be interested to read)
After his weeks away from home ............ 'after' is redundant.
traveling West Texas
calling on auto parts stores as far as the border ........... I like the addition of WT and the /auto parts stores/, but what does 'calling on' mean?
my father sometimes brought me souvenirs ........... again 'me' is redundant (it's clear from the context.)
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna: .................... this is confusing for me, now. I don't know the local geography so can't tell what 'across the river' refers to. If it is, as I assumed, the border, then what does 'as far as the border' mean? And what's the significance of crossing it to buy souveniers.
Just a thought ...
His work took him away
weeks travelling West Texas
from one auto parts store
to the next ...... (you could even list a few place names here, sketch his route)
(Did he like his job? Or did he get lonely?)
But he'd always return
his tank, almost empty,
but with gifts, in the glove box
or on the back seat, souveniers
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a brightly painted ceramic
Aztec warrior, a bullwhip
made in a Mexican prison
black as dried blood
and once, for my (what age?) birthday,
a garish ring. ...........................(garish is telegraphing)
“This,” he told me,
“Is the Conquering Lion of Judah,
King Haile Selassie
who fought Mussolini in the deserts of Ethiopia.” ........... very curious as to how such a ring might turn up in Mexico. 
I had forgotten about it
even before he returned to the road
to (and add a few more place names here)
...
I wonder if this would prove sufficient (at least until the right ending turns up?) It sets up the hard working dad, the less than grateful son, but doesn't then go on to belabour the second point
Best, Knot
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