The Conquering Lion of Judah (new title, rev. 3)

[Knot]

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Hi Tim,

I don't think the revision is particularly successful.

After a week away from home

my father often brought me souvenirs. ............ 'a week' (singular) then 'often' (plural)

a ceramic Aztec warrior,

a bullwhip made in a Mexican prison

and once, for my birthday, a ring. ................... I agree with Alonso, a bit more detail here wouldn't go amiss. Even just something as basic as colour.

It had plumes of gold .................................... I don't think you need 'it had' - it's clearly a description of the ring just mentioned.

surrounding a green sapphire

a lion engraved on its face. ................ why not 'a great wild cat/beast' instead of the soon to be repeated 'lion'?

He said, .............................................It's very uninformative. Something like,

"This," he told me as I hesitated.

"Is the Conquering ... " ?

King Haile Selassie

who stood up to Mussolini

in the deserts of Ethiopia

a hero from my childhood.”

Below the lion was

the astrological sign for Leo. .................. Since you cut the 'Virgo' reference, this makes no sense.

I didn’t feel like disappointing him,

but I never wore the ring. .......................The ending doesn't land. And there's no sense of

blind to what the lion offered him

and to what he was trying so hard

to offer to me.

Which seemed to be the thrust of the original.

Granted this isn't much better but, as a direction ...

from my childhood."

I never wore the ring.

Never understood

until I had a son of my own

what it was

he'd been trying to tell me.

(And maybe change the title to 'Regret' ?)

Best, Knot

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