07-05-2023, 05:54 AM
(07-05-2023, 04:42 AM)busker Wrote: AncestorsHi Busker,
who may have looked like me, might? pet peeve of mine. That said I think a more direct syntax would be better...who looked like me
feeding fire with words, fed your fires with words....that sort of thing
chanting the names
of the sky god, moon god, wind god, and the one not sure repeating each god works, maybe ....of the gods, sky, moon, wind, the one(a little enjamb action if you're into monotheism?)
who rides a black buffalo bringing death, maybe a hard stop here
in youth I found you lame, ha! sounds like a kid talking to a parent. I still worry that 'lame' might be, well lame.
forbears ignorant of the sun’s forebears
triple alpha breath,
polynucleotide chains, ATP
and the conflagration it brings. not sure this works.
But now my blood is tame,
the path still as long, and the gods still lie in wait not sure about using 'still' twice
at the end of things. seems like this is implied in the previous phrase.
Despite my quibbling above, I enjoyed the piece. I like your historical poems. Also, sorry if you weren't looking for crit. Like TqB, hard to resist. Above comments are loose suggestions only.
Take care,
bryn