W4T (new title, revision, saying goodbye to this poem)

[TranquillityBase]

The original is so much richer. You’ve cut out too much and inserted a distracting try // lie rhyme.
S3 is weak in both versions, or at least weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Too much telling.
I liked the little detail of the ‘hot months’ in the original. The relevance wasn’t clear, but it made for a nice touch of something tangible and contrasted nicely with the hall of mirrors / broken mind image right after.

The ‘erasable ink’ line is, of course, the heart of the poem. Brilliant one, that.

Thanks Busker,

I feared that was the result of my revision, but I was trying to 1) respond to Duke and Bryn's comments and (more importantly) 2) make it clearer to myself.  I seem to be my own worst enemy when it comes to revisions.

TqB