07-01-2023, 11:33 AM
The original is so much richer. You’ve cut out too much and inserted a distracting try // lie rhyme.
S3 is weak in both versions, or at least weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Too much telling.
I liked the little detail of the ‘hot months’ in the original. The relevance wasn’t clear, but it made for a nice touch of something tangible and contrasted nicely with the hall of mirrors / broken mind image right after.
The ‘erasable ink’ line is, of course, the heart of the poem. Brilliant one, that.
S3 is weak in both versions, or at least weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Too much telling.
I liked the little detail of the ‘hot months’ in the original. The relevance wasn’t clear, but it made for a nice touch of something tangible and contrasted nicely with the hall of mirrors / broken mind image right after.
The ‘erasable ink’ line is, of course, the heart of the poem. Brilliant one, that.