Draft 4.5: Alcyone Remembers (Dizain)

[TranquillityBase]

The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay,
through morning’s fog. Calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.

I'll just second Bryn's comments, I like the edits, and it might be worthwhile to put it in present tense to give it more immediacy (although the last line would not sound as cool in present tense....at least to me)
  
Having now read about the Dizain form, I am even more impressed