06-26-2023, 12:22 PM
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)Velasco Wrote: Soon after watching thousands of sunsets I've read this a handful of times and I still cant figure out who/what the subject is, is it the sea? the shelter?
for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea Green rays is interesting, like the sun is also sea in someway, sea green. Nameless ache looses me some.
surrounded this shelter for silhouettes for trips me up here
from pictures strewn among drywall debris. Now an image is appearing, some sort of ruin by the sea, pictures, walls, memories. There is the constant of the sun and the sea, thousands of sunsets, etc and the ephemeral of humanity.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly,
in this bright fog and mildewy decay
of empty bed. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
This poem is dense, the images/words are vibrant, but it was difficult for me to parse through. I do think it brings us somewhere powerful with the last two liines.I guess I yearn for simpler syntax and less enjambment. I reckon the form probably shaped the poem to some degree? The tone is melancholic, and maybe a little emptied or something, but there is also a larger picture with nature, thousands, oblivion, dreams... thanks for sharing. Below i just broke it into sentences, to see if it made it easier to follow or not.
Soon after watching thousands of sunsets for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea surrounded this shelter for silhouettes from pictures strewn among drywall debris.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly, in this bright fog and mildewy decay of empty bed.
Calls echoed every day down hallways filled with longing's sand, before oblivion returned your visage, gray like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.