Cicadas no. 2

[Wjames]

Just revisiting my last crit
Ignore what I said

That last line is magical, and the poem beautifully builds up to it
It must necessarily be a flawed masterpiece. It’s the sort of poem that chopping and changing will ruin.

And I lack the fine critiquing skills to point out where a slight alteration in a single word here and there will close the gap.

Hi Busker, 

Thanks for both your visits.  I've been in a bit of a slump since June 1.  Words won't come, and even responding to critiques has become difficult.  But it will pass I hope.

TqB

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This poem oozes sex in a beautiful, subtle way. 

The metaphor is sweating in the dirt of a wet forest - perfectly visceral.

The one thing that made me stumble - it felt like there should be a comma to pause after 'ancient scripture', but that sort of makes me want to get rid of the comma after 'drill down song' in order to maintain the rhyhtm.

To my read, this formatting would be nicer:

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

It is irrelevant, though - the poem is beautiful.

Wjames,

Interesting how interpretations can be so surprising.  At least consciously, sex was the furthest thing from my mind, although deeper down, it's certainly an obsession.

I like your reformatting idea and will implement it.

Thanks for the read and critique.

TqB

Interesting, Cicadas sing in order to attract the opposite sex, and a lot of the words could be in that vein.

'skin tight' 'drill down' 'longing'  'the orbit of heat', and the strewn net as if enticing someone in as well

It's interesting reading it again trying to come up with another interpretaion (something to do with communicating with the dead?). 

Upon re-reading it again this morning, you could maybe sub out one of the two ancients in the first three lines for a different word that could add another element, but it is fine to me with two ancients.