Cicadas no. 2

[TranquillityBase]

Just revisiting my last crit
Ignore what I said

That last line is magical, and the poem beautifully builds up to it
It must necessarily be a flawed masterpiece. It’s the sort of poem that chopping and changing will ruin.

And I lack the fine critiquing skills to point out where a slight alteration in a single word here and there will close the gap.

Hi Busker, 

Thanks for both your visits.  I've been in a bit of a slump since June 1.  Words won't come, and even responding to critiques has become difficult.  But it will pass I hope.

TqB

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This poem oozes sex in a beautiful, subtle way. 

The metaphor is sweating in the dirt of a wet forest - perfectly visceral.

The one thing that made me stumble - it felt like there should be a comma to pause after 'ancient scripture', but that sort of makes me want to get rid of the comma after 'drill down song' in order to maintain the rhyhtm.

To my read, this formatting would be nicer:

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

It is irrelevant, though - the poem is beautiful.

Wjames,

Interesting how interpretations can be so surprising.  At least consciously, sex was the furthest thing from my mind, although deeper down, it's certainly an obsession.

I like your reformatting idea and will implement it.

Thanks for the read and critique.

TqB