06-25-2023, 06:09 AM
(06-24-2023, 10:19 PM)busker Wrote: before I start a line by line, I just want to say I can't make head nor tail of this poem.
Girl and boy
Beauty, your eyes are
forever beautiful—Are you talking to "beauty" as a concept, a platonic form? In which case, would it have eyes? And if it did, wouldn't it be redundant to mention it had beautiful eyes?. Like the light
of cloudy days. The wind when it sighs—A line break after "days.", surely? And...
in the battlements
of fortresses lost to time
is your one of a kind
way of speaking to me,—Far better would be "Your one of a kind way of speaking to me is like the wind when it sighs... etc" although, the "of of" still sounds awful and clumsy.
beloved of my mind.—this makes no sense.
Love is a wonder
meant to be
lived to the fullest joy,—is it? Why? If you are going to make a declarative statement like that your poem has to give us a reason to either agree with or feel it.
girl and boy,
and your face is forever
new life to me. Florence is for lovers,
and you’ll be my other through the centuries.—This last part is either so personal to you specifically to be hardly worth posting, or it is so cryptically poetic that it's meaningless to anyone that doesn't treat poems as general knowledge quizzes.