One-way Ticket (new title) final...

[brynmawr1]

Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.

                      
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love,
 





My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.



my feet searching
the chill, settle
each for the other. 



,    ;     :   

?



Though you could keep the . and the My, and see about the , after chill. 

Though leaving the , out, as you have, can create a poetic link between chill, settle and feet. Even searching. 

Or how about going in a different direction with

my feet searching
the chill never
willing to settle
each for the other.

?

---

.
Hi Bryn.

Not keen on the changes (except for the removal of the final stanza.) Hmmm....I was hoping
- I liked that it was a train leaving that awakened the sleeper (not one arriving)  I was trying to suggest the narrator woke from a leaving train hoping it was a returning train.
Also, 'leaving wakes me' has more implications that 'leaving me awake'  yes, I am considering changing back
- the new S2 seems unnecessary, over-explaining again
- 'valley' is a bit generic (and what is it adding?) More of an image than 'in the distance' also considered 'From backyard shadows'
- 'barking to be let back in' changes the tone of this verse maybe whines but begs does fit tone better
- would have preferred 'tight' to 'tugged'.     went with tugged because more active than descriptive and implies 'tight' and rowens suggest!

Best, Knot

.

Hey Knot,
Thank you for all of your time and suggestions. You've helped a great deal.  Working through it.
bryn

---

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving me awake
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.

Hi Bryn,

To this reader, this reads and feels like the finished product.  You came a long way on this one!  I suppose more could be added, but the essential is all there.  those first two stanzas are superb.

thanks for the read.

TqB

Thank TqB.  I feel it's close too.  Not sure the title make sense anymore, though.  I proposed a different ending in a reply to rowens.  What do you think?
Thanks for your continued input.
Bryn