One-way Ticket (new title) final...

[brynmawr1]

.
Hi Bryn.
I like both the new additions, but they do feel rather similar (each featuring a 'lonesome' sound.)
Not keen on your new ending. Where do the 'twenty-five years' come from?


The low whistle
of an early train
leaving wakes me .......................... (early gives 'dim light')

In the distance ...............................(maybe something a bit different? Three streets over ?)   It is vague, mulling....
a dog's begging ..............................(begging evokes 'cries')
to be let back in.

Searching the chill
my feet settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.


Best, Knot

.

Thanks for additional comments.  I noted that you cut the 'barter for love' stanza, ouch!  I still feel like the poem lacks a context for the reader to relate to, or am I over thinking?
The 25 yrs  was an attempt to provide some of that context but wasn't set up very well.
Thanks again,
Bryn

PS You've made two comments.  That buys you two poems to post.  Cash in?

---

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.
 
The low whistle
of the early train leaving
wakes me in the dim light.

In the distance                       Somewhere (?)
a dog cries begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill only to settle
each for the other.

Twenty-five years
it would have been
mid-May.

Bryn,
Like this edit, you've added some nice detail.  I do feel like maybe there should be another stanza, just before the ending stanza.  I'm not sure what I want it to say exactly, but I want one more hint about why those feet are alone in bed, or what else is happening to the narrator.
TqB

Hey,
Glad you like the new stuff but I'm not sure they advance the poem much as i agree there needs to be more hints.  Thanks for coming back and letting me think out loud, as it were.
bryn