06-02-2023, 06:41 AM
(05-31-2023, 02:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: The Abstracted JackhammerHey Tiger, this is great - each stanza is very fun to read.
He's sick of concrete; Good opening line playing off the title.
sick of belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun
to one day again, reflect more than grey. I don't think the comma is needed.
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content,
rallying to erode rest;
drunk and conceited with numbers. A nice little russian doll of sickness the concrete has given birth to here.
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation. This is my favourite stanza.
He's sick of barnacles
lobbying for free trade at low tide;
stowed away on apathy—
under Titanic immunity. Is immunity the right word? I think it could be improved.
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.
He's sick of us pitching disaster
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time. I agree with tranquil the ending is the weakest part.
The way I am interpreting it, the poem is sort of like the old saying 'To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail' - the 'Jackhammer' is someone who derides every opinion/policy/stance but does not produce any real alternatives - just destroys.
I could be way off, though - I think the poem could be improved by adding some clarity (although you want to keep it somewaht subtle).
What is interesting to me is that the Jackhammer is sick of all of this stuff that they are quite right to deride - but to my read they are still an antagonist.
One thought I had would be to change the last stanza to be about what the Jackhammer wants. They are sick of all of this stuff - is there anything they actually enjoy/desire (the answer could be no)?