05-07-2023, 02:24 AM
Hi Sugarmuser,
This poem is beautiful! The rhythm is soft, the setting is dreamy and nostalgic, and the whole piece sounds great when spoken aloud. There are a few things that I think could be tweaked, but overall, this is a treat to read.
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I ran to scatter the birds today,
needing a direction to release energy. // It's interesting how you say "a direction" because this suggests the protagonist could release her energy in just about any direction she so desires. Why does she choose to release it towards the birds instead of towards a can on the road, or the gym?
The freedom of flight is felt in my speed, // This passive "is felt" contrasts with the lovely action verbs you have going on here. Could you make freedom something that moves actively, perhaps entering/flooding/laughing into speed instead of just being felt?
blood pumping as the weight of the world // Absolutely in love with this line. For a moment here, you seem to be saying that blood gives the world weight, which raises all sorts of fun questions about predator/prey relationships and the heaviness of the kill or be killed mentality in nature, and then you swoop into the next line and bring back the human aspects of the poem. A fantastic transition ❤
is lifted and leaves me thinking I can fly. // One question would be who is lifting the weight from the protagonist. If you don't have a specific idea of who is lifting this weight, you could switch "is lifted" to "lifts" but this is more of a stylistic choice that depends on how you want to tell your story, and it’s excellent as it is now. I agree with Jay_Alexander that it might be better to take away the period at the end of this line; you’re close to the end of the poem and end-stopping it now feels like you’re touching down a bit too early. I love how you stress that the protagonist 'thinks' she can fly, it pulls the poem back down to earth without the switch being jarring.
Until the birds show me what true flight is. // Awesome finish. This final line sums up so much of the poem and leaves me with a sense of hope.
Thanks for putting Scatter out here!
This poem is beautiful! The rhythm is soft, the setting is dreamy and nostalgic, and the whole piece sounds great when spoken aloud. There are a few things that I think could be tweaked, but overall, this is a treat to read.
___________________
I ran to scatter the birds today,
needing a direction to release energy. // It's interesting how you say "a direction" because this suggests the protagonist could release her energy in just about any direction she so desires. Why does she choose to release it towards the birds instead of towards a can on the road, or the gym?
The freedom of flight is felt in my speed, // This passive "is felt" contrasts with the lovely action verbs you have going on here. Could you make freedom something that moves actively, perhaps entering/flooding/laughing into speed instead of just being felt?
blood pumping as the weight of the world // Absolutely in love with this line. For a moment here, you seem to be saying that blood gives the world weight, which raises all sorts of fun questions about predator/prey relationships and the heaviness of the kill or be killed mentality in nature, and then you swoop into the next line and bring back the human aspects of the poem. A fantastic transition ❤
is lifted and leaves me thinking I can fly. // One question would be who is lifting the weight from the protagonist. If you don't have a specific idea of who is lifting this weight, you could switch "is lifted" to "lifts" but this is more of a stylistic choice that depends on how you want to tell your story, and it’s excellent as it is now. I agree with Jay_Alexander that it might be better to take away the period at the end of this line; you’re close to the end of the poem and end-stopping it now feels like you’re touching down a bit too early. I love how you stress that the protagonist 'thinks' she can fly, it pulls the poem back down to earth without the switch being jarring.
Until the birds show me what true flight is. // Awesome finish. This final line sums up so much of the poem and leaves me with a sense of hope.
Thanks for putting Scatter out here!