Time Piece

[brynmawr1]

Time Piece

12:30
empty of words.                Undecided on your change here.  Seems like if you are going with less in the first two lines should continue and reduce following lines to something like...'out on parole/ waiting to be really free-/out past the yellow daisies (free?).
To be without them
is to be on parole.        I like the parole idea.

I’m waiting
to be really free-
out past the yellow daisies.    I like the idea that the daisies are some sort of delineation.
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I will wait.           Still, I wait?






[pre verse]
It’s 12:30 and I’m empty of words.
To be without them
is to be on parole.

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow flowers,
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait anyway.

[\pre verse]

Hi TqB,

never sure if people want suggestions when they post in non-crit forums, but you seem to so I did!  Nice little piece.  I particularly like the yellow daisy image, a splash of color in an otherwise grey landscape.
Take care,
bryn

Thanks Bryn, I'm with you on most of the cuts.  The one I hesitate on is cutting the "that free" line.  I thought it made it more conversational to the reader.

TqB

I think it works either way but better to keep the tone consistent.  Either be conversation throughout or terse.  But if you prefer a looser style it can still be tightened, I think.  That’s what my gut tells me.  I’m no expert!