04-26-2023, 09:01 AM
Hi Z-
Since you already have the question in the title, I don't know that you need to repeat it again until that last stanza.
That said, some in-line comments:
Floorboards in flashbacks pop suggest breaking on 'pop'
like ice cubes underfoot. really good opening image
You pull your robe up against the cold
And stretch your fingers toward the fire.
How did we get here, after all these years?
In this cabin where snow aches suggest breaking on 'aches'
and presses at the windows
hungry days stretch cold under suggest breaking on 'under'
the Northern Winter sun. I really like the images in this section
From Spring’s red breast the river suggest breaking on 'river'
spills, swollen,
stretching to touch your feet.
You lay back, laughing suggest filling out this stanza
The weight of the Summer sky suggest breaking on 'sky'
falls heavy on the West wall.
Throws shadows on the porch, should be a comma instead of a period
where your children will play. One day.
On the swing where I sit and watch
the shadows grow longer, should be a comma instead of a period
darkening the larches across the valley.
I ask myself, as I often have,
“How will evening come?”
The sunless sky answers.
There is, for now, silence.
I hold the letter with both hands- suggest breaking on 'hands'
as I often have-
sheltering it from the rising wind. strong ending- implies many possibilities
As you can see, most of my suggestions pertain to line breaks. This one is more effective for me if the title question is only posed once within the poem. You use enough concrete imagery to keep it interesting, as well.
Thanks Z,
Mark
Since you already have the question in the title, I don't know that you need to repeat it again until that last stanza.
That said, some in-line comments:
Floorboards in flashbacks pop suggest breaking on 'pop'
like ice cubes underfoot. really good opening image
You pull your robe up against the cold
And stretch your fingers toward the fire.
How did we get here, after all these years?
In this cabin where snow aches suggest breaking on 'aches'
and presses at the windows
hungry days stretch cold under suggest breaking on 'under'
the Northern Winter sun. I really like the images in this section
From Spring’s red breast the river suggest breaking on 'river'
spills, swollen,
stretching to touch your feet.
You lay back, laughing suggest filling out this stanza
The weight of the Summer sky suggest breaking on 'sky'
falls heavy on the West wall.
Throws shadows on the porch, should be a comma instead of a period
where your children will play. One day.
On the swing where I sit and watch
the shadows grow longer, should be a comma instead of a period
darkening the larches across the valley.
I ask myself, as I often have,
“How will evening come?”
The sunless sky answers.
There is, for now, silence.
I hold the letter with both hands- suggest breaking on 'hands'
as I often have-
sheltering it from the rising wind. strong ending- implies many possibilities
As you can see, most of my suggestions pertain to line breaks. This one is more effective for me if the title question is only posed once within the poem. You use enough concrete imagery to keep it interesting, as well.
Thanks Z,
Mark