03-31-2023, 10:00 PM
Careful there Tim-
yer very close now... very minor edit suggested. Moving up 'this skull' reconates better with 'share' when it has more space, I think. Leave out 'their', it oddly de-personalizes- 'light and shadow' by itself works much better, for this reader:
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory, this skull
a jagged memento of light and shadow.
yer very close now... very minor edit suggested. Moving up 'this skull' reconates better with 'share' when it has more space, I think. Leave out 'their', it oddly de-personalizes- 'light and shadow' by itself works much better, for this reader:
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory, this skull
a jagged memento of light and shadow.