Memento

[TranquillityBase]

Hey TqB,
I struggle to know what else to add.  It's beautiful.
kudos,
Bryn

Thanks for those additional tweaks ("did" and cutting "back"), and of course for returning to the scene,
TqB

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 I don't understand why this stanza and the previous stanza were flipped. Beginning the next stanza with "It's a universe we share" sounds a little awkward because it sounds like it's continuing a thought, which it was. That thought is broken up in this draft though, and without any immediately noticeable artistic intent. Even if the intent were there, I feel like it would just be overcomplicating the poem. To me, the sequence of the N looking at this piece of art that his son left behind and then trying to understand the thoughts and feelings involved in his son's creative process makes perfect sense. Also, I think the line "where his future..." hits harder when these stanzas are flipped, b/c I don't think it's said as explicitly that the son has passed already until this line.

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I did the switch because Bryn and Mark suggested it.  Reading again now, I think I may prefer the original order.  Having it in a chronological order also has its appeal, but I think it does put the two "universe"'s too far apart.  And you make a pretty convincing argument in detail.  Thank you for committing yourself to the poem to this extent.

Last line is still up in the air for me.  Reflections ain't doin' it for me either.

TqB

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Hi Tim-
Steve is right, ‘reflected back’ is redundant: just ‘reflected’ is a minor change.

That last stanza and end line seem to be causing the most trouble.

How bout:
‘It’s a universe we share- he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory- fused now
by the happenstance of these reflections.

Mark,

Nice rendition, but I've grown to detest "happenstance".  As said above to Velasco, I'm going to the mattresses to figure out a last line....

Tim

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Hold it right there buddy!
Drop those hands,
and step away from the keyboard!
Good and slow,
don’t try any funny business.
You have the right to remain silent.
Any edits you make
may be held against you.

If this thing goes to trial,
and I’m called to the stand,
I’ll testify that I told you
not to do it.

Seriously though, Tim. Please be careful with this one.
Whatever version is up now, leave it be- too fragile to mess with.

By the way, I've been a little down of late, but this post really made my day start right today